Looking back at my life, I have been tempted to fall into the trap of regret. Of wishing that my life had been completely different. The choices I made, the people that I allowed into my life. The words spoken, and those that never got to express my feelings. That is a book that I seemed to re-read often.
I have lived my life on survival mode. Walking on a tight rope, keeping myself in check all the time. I was afraid of making mistakes, though adding to my soap opera of a life. I put my life in God's hands a long time ago. Half trusting Him, half waiting for a miracle of some sort. I have walked alone, living each day hoping it would be the last. But I can't bring myself to regret anything.
Blessings in trials
Sometimes we have to really take a hard look at our lives to find something to be grateful. Dr. Wayne W. Dyer refers to this self examination of the soul a necessary tool to find meaning in my life. For instance, make a list of all the people that you think that have done you wrong in the past. Instead of remembering how they hurt you, transform it into a life lesson. Transforming the aggressors into teachers.
For example; After years of wondering why things turned the way that they did, I came to the conclusion that, every single tear and painful event in my life, has taught me the most important lessons in my life. Specially, not to give up. That Angel, as I call it, that never let me surrender under any circumstance. If you would had asked me fifteen years ago if I regretted anything, Silently I would agree that it would have been better off giving up. But is not in my nature to do so.
No one understood
When I was 15 years old, I received a severe beating from my mother. One of many.That day when I looked at the mirror and saw how deformed my face was, as I tried to brush my matted hair and to put some make up over the bruises, I knew that there was a good chance that this was going to be my life. I had no one, people like me end up in abusive relationships and if they have children the cycle would never end. I was going to stop this madness, with me.
In spite of my religious believes, I figured that there could be no other hell than this. When and after taking the prescription drugs to end my life, my mother found me, and told me that she had two choices, to take me to the hospital and make sure that they put me away; or to see if indeed I succeed in killing myself. Ether way, she left the house. That was the moment that I decided to do everything in my power to live and to make it count. Between periods of consciousness, I asked God for forgiveness, pleading for a chance to make amends.
" God make me worthy of being an extension of your love"- That was my plea. Now I see how the subsequent events, harsh and painful, molded my spirit. He transformed my fear in peace, my pain into acceptance and my suffering into compassion.
No regrets, just my life
I have never had a drink, or used drugs, but I used to have this bad habit of wondering "what if".
This has been a big obstacle is seeing the real purpose in my life. To prove to you that it is possible to go beyond a horrible past. To learn from our mistakes and move forward. Tomorrow is not yesterday. Maybe I am still here to tell this story. So that someone out there knows that is possible to have a life with meaning...